I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
