yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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