Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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