I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here