Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.