I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.