Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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