I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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