you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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