dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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