You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
