I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
