you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
