Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
