Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
