I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
