this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
