Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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