I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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