I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
