I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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