why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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