Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
