hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
