Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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