Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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