You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
