Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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