Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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