I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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