we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
