i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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