At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize