just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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