We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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