I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
