If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
