Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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