He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
