So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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