He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
