A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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