I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
