hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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