I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
