After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
