Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
