Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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