God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
