Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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