I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
