He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
