Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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