Have you finally orgasmed yet?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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