I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
