can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
