At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No subtext here. People are naked.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
