i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
