I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
