i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
