my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
