Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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