I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Come see our sink grown plant.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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